‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.
By Maddie Please
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town,
Not an agent was stirring, they all had shut down,
The authors wrote out their synopses with care
And sent countless emails out into thin air.
The publishers nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of contracts and deals filled their heads.
I put on my onesie, I looked such a clot
And I lay wide awake trying to think of a plot.
Then deep in my braincells I had an idea
Just write a BEST-SELLER -the future was clear.
Away to my laptop I flew like a flash
To type out the words that would make me some cash.
I needed a heroine feisty but brave
And a hero with muscles and nice aftershave.
She would be sad because things had gone wrong
And he would be manly and handsome and strong.
He’d be a good listener, his mind would be quick
He might be called Simon or David or Nick.
More rapid than Covid the paragraphs came
And I typed out three chapters, my fingers aflame
She might live in Scotland or Cornwall or Greece
And he’d be a great doctor or in the police.
She’d have a big problem that he would then solve
And after some setbacks, her doubts would dissolve.
I went back to bed with a smile on my face
My wonderful work saved in my database.
So this was the book to at last make my name
It would win massive prizes and public acclaim
My picture in newspapers and some magazines
I’d look younger and thinner and wear skinny jeans.
Yes, the literary world would then be set aflame
With the five-star reviews and the internet fame
With my breakthrough masterpiece, called a debut –
-although I’ve been around for a decade or two –
My backlist would prosper, and royalties flood in
And I could have holidays, chocolate and gin.
I woke in the morning so sure of my fate
Just a few chapters missing, twenty-seven or eight.
I looked for the doc with a smile on my face
Some plot holes to fill, some adverbs to erase.
And then every dream was rudely interrupted
This file cannot open, your hard drive’s corrupted.